It's been two weeks... I fail. *Hangs head in shame*
Ok so it's been a while, and I'm sorry, but I have been busy!!!! Well busy in the sense that I'm a really bad procrastinator. Let's see what's happening in my life?
I finally started work and it's... well lets just say it's a job and money in the bank.
Schools going well enough I guess, I decided that I'm gonna get my associates degree before I leave next year, that way when I get off my mission I can decide if I want to stay at SUU or go somewhere else. Which means that next semester is gonna be just as much as a killer as this one and I was hoping to take it easier next semester, course wise. But I guess that's not what God wants for me.
I got to ride a horse at FHE the other day, it was fun and scary and terrifying all at the same time.
Dr. Bohnenstengel is having me play in the student recital on Friday, I'm not looking forward to that. And Prof Guttenberg wants me to sing in the week after that :( on top of all of this the choir concert is on Friday!!!! but it's all good.
I saw 'Easy A' which was awesome!!!! Best line: "This is public school, if I can keep the girls off the pole and the boys off the pipe I get a bonus."
Recently I have found my self with a lack of nerdy friends. I miss people who will watch Dr. Who with me or people who get my extremely nerdy references, or at least won't make fun of me when talk of it. I miss my old roommates!!!!!!! Don't get me wrong, I love the ones I have now but I miss my old nerdy, geeky, sometimes disturbing( in regards to medical stuff) and amazing roommates from last year!!!! but I guess I'll just have to make do...
A thought I had today as I was wishing on a star. What does it mean when you start to wish on a star, finish the rhyme and then find you have nothing to wish for? Now when I wish on stars I generally try to stay more realistic, I don't wish for world peace or anything. My wishes are usually smaller thins that seem to silly to put in a prayer, like that a boy would ask me out or something. But tonight when I went to wish on the star I realized that I really didn't have anything to wish for. I'm planning on going on a mission next year, so what's the point of dating, especially when all the boys I'm interested in are RM's and I am defiantly NOT ready for marriage. I guess that I could wish that my family wasn't so fracked up, or that I would meet David Tennant tomorrow but that's not gonna happen.... So what do you do when you have nothing to wish for?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Music is my language
Almost two weeks ago, I got some disheartening news, news that made me cry. I was in my voice lesson like any other Tuesday afternoon, I was warming up with my professor when she stopped me. She had a very concerned look on her face as she told me that she was worried.
Let me stop here and go back two years. The winter of my senior year, I was diagnosed with something called GERD or Gastroesophageal reflux disease, essentially it's when stomach acid comes up my esophagus, goes down my wind pipe and starts to digest my lungs. When I keep it under control it's really nothing more than heartburn; or so I thought. Last year my voice professor told me that I should go up to Salt Lake and see an ENT. After a few months and a fight with my mother over insurance costs I went. I saw a doctor that is the best in Utah, specializing in vocalists, there I got scoped, a procedure, where they put a camera with a strobe light in the back of my throat and take pictures while I make noise. The procedure wasn't that big of a deal, but the results were. As it turned out I had two ulcers on the sides of my vocal folds; they weren't bleeding or anything just sitting there looking big and red and disgusting. Now you might be thinking, "What's the big deal? They're just sores." But to me it is a big deal. You see I am a music major, I'm studying my to become a vocalist, and while it's not ultimately what I want to do in the music world, it's still a big part of my life. And when ever I sing, talk, laugh, hum; anything that makes noise, the ulcers rub together causing pain and a whole bunch of other vocal problems.
So the doctors put me on some medicines to calm my stomach acid, and, hopefully, allow my body to heal itself. They told me to come back in three months and I would get scoped again. Well I went back, and their was no change. The ulcers were still there and still just as big and disgusting as ever. So they put me on some stronger medications and told me to come back in six months. So I've been taking my meds and resting my voice all summer, and hopefully I'll be going back in a month or so.
This brings us back to two weeks ago. In my lesson. My professor told me that it sounded bad up on top, very airy and weak, and that I wasn't getting as high as I used to, which means that I'm losing notes off my register. Not exactly the makings of a classically trained vocalist.
I left my lesson and went about the rest of my day, I practice piano, went home, did homework, went to Wal-Mart, tried listening to some Ingrid Michealson to cheer me up (it didn't work), checked email, checked Facebook. And then laid down and started to cry. Crocodile tears type crying, I grabbed my Eeyore culled up in my bed and just cried. Now, I wasn't just crying over my voice, while that was a large part of it, but there was a whole slew of things that made me upset. I was homesick for my sister and her family, I felt discouraged in my other classes, and my piano lessons and it was the week before I got my gift from mother nature, to name a few. But my voice was the biggest part of it.
In my lesson we talked about what I could do if I couldn't sing anymore. The logical choice was just switch to piano, or I could find a way to teach students with out modeling. As I laid in bed crying I realized how much that broke my heart, I have always loved singing and piano. Until last week I thought that I loved piano more and was considering giving up voice as a solos instrument altogether. I realized that I could never give up voice, that it meant to much to me.
As I was crying, my roommate came up the stairs and asked me what was wrong, and I couldn't tell her, I didn't have words to express my heart break. All I could do was cry, she asked me if I needed a priesthood blessing, and I didn't know what to say to that either. I have never been one to ask for help even when I most needed it. She told me that only I could make the choice. After a some debating and more crying, I decided that it was time to ask for help. So I did. My roommate went down to an apartment that had some brethren who held the priesthood and asked them to come give me a blessing. And they did. after I did a very poor job of explaining what exactly I was crying about the gave me a blessing. In my blessing I was told that my voice was already a blessing to many people and that with faith and prayer I could get through this. And that I would be blessed for asking for help. That the Lord has many blessing He wants to give me but He can't unless I ask.
Music and the gospel are the two most important thing in my life, I don't know who or where I would be with out them. It seems that I can't have one without the other. Every time I have considered leaving the church it has always been music that brought me back, and most of the time it is though music that the spirit touches me.
One of my favorite composers is a British composer by the name of Murray Gold. He is essentially what I want to be when I grow up. His music can be beautiful and powerful and awe inspiring all in one. And I can sat that about the gospel also. And as I sit here typing to this post, listening to some of my favorite pieces by him I can't help but reflect and be thankful for what I have. For the meaning that music has for me, for the power it gives me, for the strength and comfort it brings, and I am so grateful that I can say the same about the gospel. For me they are one in the same hand. I know that it may seem bad for me to say that, considering the commandment that we are supposed to have no other gods before our Heavenly Father, but to me its not. To me they are equal. We are told that the gospel will come to each of us in our own language, well, music is my language. Sometimes it's just the music that lifts me; sometimes it's the Lord, but often time it both together, as one. I know that my Redeemer lives, that He knows me personally; He knows me enough to know how to talk to me, how to help me, and how to let me know that I am loved; through music.
Let me stop here and go back two years. The winter of my senior year, I was diagnosed with something called GERD or Gastroesophageal reflux disease, essentially it's when stomach acid comes up my esophagus, goes down my wind pipe and starts to digest my lungs. When I keep it under control it's really nothing more than heartburn; or so I thought. Last year my voice professor told me that I should go up to Salt Lake and see an ENT. After a few months and a fight with my mother over insurance costs I went. I saw a doctor that is the best in Utah, specializing in vocalists, there I got scoped, a procedure, where they put a camera with a strobe light in the back of my throat and take pictures while I make noise. The procedure wasn't that big of a deal, but the results were. As it turned out I had two ulcers on the sides of my vocal folds; they weren't bleeding or anything just sitting there looking big and red and disgusting. Now you might be thinking, "What's the big deal? They're just sores." But to me it is a big deal. You see I am a music major, I'm studying my to become a vocalist, and while it's not ultimately what I want to do in the music world, it's still a big part of my life. And when ever I sing, talk, laugh, hum; anything that makes noise, the ulcers rub together causing pain and a whole bunch of other vocal problems.
So the doctors put me on some medicines to calm my stomach acid, and, hopefully, allow my body to heal itself. They told me to come back in three months and I would get scoped again. Well I went back, and their was no change. The ulcers were still there and still just as big and disgusting as ever. So they put me on some stronger medications and told me to come back in six months. So I've been taking my meds and resting my voice all summer, and hopefully I'll be going back in a month or so.
This brings us back to two weeks ago. In my lesson. My professor told me that it sounded bad up on top, very airy and weak, and that I wasn't getting as high as I used to, which means that I'm losing notes off my register. Not exactly the makings of a classically trained vocalist.
I left my lesson and went about the rest of my day, I practice piano, went home, did homework, went to Wal-Mart, tried listening to some Ingrid Michealson to cheer me up (it didn't work), checked email, checked Facebook. And then laid down and started to cry. Crocodile tears type crying, I grabbed my Eeyore culled up in my bed and just cried. Now, I wasn't just crying over my voice, while that was a large part of it, but there was a whole slew of things that made me upset. I was homesick for my sister and her family, I felt discouraged in my other classes, and my piano lessons and it was the week before I got my gift from mother nature, to name a few. But my voice was the biggest part of it.
In my lesson we talked about what I could do if I couldn't sing anymore. The logical choice was just switch to piano, or I could find a way to teach students with out modeling. As I laid in bed crying I realized how much that broke my heart, I have always loved singing and piano. Until last week I thought that I loved piano more and was considering giving up voice as a solos instrument altogether. I realized that I could never give up voice, that it meant to much to me.
As I was crying, my roommate came up the stairs and asked me what was wrong, and I couldn't tell her, I didn't have words to express my heart break. All I could do was cry, she asked me if I needed a priesthood blessing, and I didn't know what to say to that either. I have never been one to ask for help even when I most needed it. She told me that only I could make the choice. After a some debating and more crying, I decided that it was time to ask for help. So I did. My roommate went down to an apartment that had some brethren who held the priesthood and asked them to come give me a blessing. And they did. after I did a very poor job of explaining what exactly I was crying about the gave me a blessing. In my blessing I was told that my voice was already a blessing to many people and that with faith and prayer I could get through this. And that I would be blessed for asking for help. That the Lord has many blessing He wants to give me but He can't unless I ask.
Music and the gospel are the two most important thing in my life, I don't know who or where I would be with out them. It seems that I can't have one without the other. Every time I have considered leaving the church it has always been music that brought me back, and most of the time it is though music that the spirit touches me.
One of my favorite composers is a British composer by the name of Murray Gold. He is essentially what I want to be when I grow up. His music can be beautiful and powerful and awe inspiring all in one. And I can sat that about the gospel also. And as I sit here typing to this post, listening to some of my favorite pieces by him I can't help but reflect and be thankful for what I have. For the meaning that music has for me, for the power it gives me, for the strength and comfort it brings, and I am so grateful that I can say the same about the gospel. For me they are one in the same hand. I know that it may seem bad for me to say that, considering the commandment that we are supposed to have no other gods before our Heavenly Father, but to me its not. To me they are equal. We are told that the gospel will come to each of us in our own language, well, music is my language. Sometimes it's just the music that lifts me; sometimes it's the Lord, but often time it both together, as one. I know that my Redeemer lives, that He knows me personally; He knows me enough to know how to talk to me, how to help me, and how to let me know that I am loved; through music.
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